the tools we use to design our relationships were built for paper.
Tessakin · June 1, 2026
the poly community is remarkably good at building relationship tools. the relationship anarchy smorgasbord. the non-escalator relationship menu. more than two’s 200+ questions. multiamory’s radar check-in. the non-monogamy journal. all of them are pdfs, worksheets, and podcast episodes.
they’re comprehensive about what to discuss. but they have no structure for when or how. they don’t progress over time. they don’t involve two people answering privately and revealing together. they don’t have consent checkpoints. and they don’t remember what you said last month.
tessakin’s groundwork turns those ideas into interactive practices you do with the people you’re building with.
in 1997, psychologists arthur aron and elaine aron showed that structured, escalating self-disclosure builds closeness between strangers. 36 questions, progressively more personal, answered in pairs. the study went viral in 2015 when mandy len catron tried it with an acquaintance and fell in love.
the mechanism is real. but 36 questions in 45 minutes is a sprint. and it was designed for strangers in a lab, not for people navigating existing partners, metamour dynamics, and the question of whether hierarchy is something they practice or reject.
pulse. one question a day. both answer privately. the numbers reveal together. the streak builds over months. romantic kin only.
glimmers. once a week: what went right? answered apart, revealed together.
embers. depth and intimacy, on demand. when you’re both ready.
soundings. six guided dates for discovering whether a new connection has depth. two anchor questions answered privately before each date, conversation prompts used together on the date itself, a checkpoint after: ready for the next one? written for people who may have existing partners and practice various forms of non-monogamy. for two to four people.
tending. a recurring structured check-in for the relationship you’re building. quality time, intimacy, communication, other partners, boundaries, logistics, health, growth. both people reflect privately before the conversation, or talk first and capture afterward. action items carry forward. inspired by multiamory’s radar and alanna irving’s relationship scrum.
moments. the archive of everything above. six months on tessakin and you have a visible record of what you’ve built together.
the community got the ideas right. groundwork is an attempt to build the medium they deserve.
keep reading: pulse · glimmers · embers · soundings · tending · moments
something to sit with
what's one conversation you've been carrying alone that might go differently if someone else answered first?
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