tending: a monthly practice for the relationship you're building.
Tessakin · June 1, 2026
most relationship check-ins happen because something broke. someone’s hurt, something’s been building, and now there’s a conversation neither person wanted to have.
tending is the other kind: the one where nothing’s wrong. where you sit down together because the relationship matters enough to look at on purpose. not because there’s a problem, but because you don’t want problems to be the only reason you talk about how things are going.
want to understand the thinking behind the tools first? read more in groundwork →
the enm community has been doing structured check-ins for years. multiamory’s radar framework (adapted from alanna irving’s relationship scrum) gave us the template: review the past month, agree an agenda, discuss, set action items, reconnect. the relationship anarchy smorgasbord mapped the dimensions worth checking. both are pdfs.
tending takes those ideas and makes them interactive. eight topics, covered together: quality time, intimacy, communication, other partners, boundaries, logistics, health, growth. customizable per relationship. recurring on your cadence: weekly, monthly, quarterly.
two modes, because people process differently.
reflect, then talk. both people write privately on each topic before the conversation starts. you’re honest because you’re answering alone. when everyone’s submitted, the reflections appear side by side and set the agenda. this is the default.
talk, then capture. start with the conversation. the topic list is the guide. afterward, each person writes what they heard and what they’re taking away.
either mode can change per session. some months you need the safety of writing first. some months you just need to talk.
tending works for two people or a polycule. three or four kin partners can check in together: everyone reflects on the same topics, the reveal shows everyone’s perspective at once.
action items carry forward. what you said you’d do last month shows up at the start of next month’s tending. things don’t drift silently.
six months of tendings is a visible record of how a relationship has navigated challenges and celebrated growth. not a score. not a grade. just the honest shape of what you’ve built together.
keep reading: soundings · moments · the tools we use to design our relationships were built for paper.
something to sit with
when was the last time you talked about your relationship because things were going well?
discussion
be the first to comment on this article.
join tessakin to read and join the discussion.