DADT, or "don't ask, don't tell," refers to a relationship arrangement in which one or both partners are free to pursue outside connections but agree not to share information about those connections with each other. One partner may know in the abstract that the other sees other people but does not want to hear about it or discuss it.
DADT arrangements exist on a spectrum. At one end, they function as a form of parallel non-monogamy where the lack of information sharing is a genuine preference, not a source of tension. At the other end, they function as a form of managed denial, where one partner is effectively asking the other to conduct outside relationships invisibly in order to protect their own feelings.
The arrangement is controversial in polyamorous communities for a specific reason: it tends to prevent the kind of honest communication that makes plural relationships sustainable over time. If a partner is struggling, or if a new connection is becoming significant, the DADT structure makes it difficult to address those developments honestly. The result is often that outside relationships are handled with increasing secrecy, and the practical effects of those relationships (time, emotional availability, shifted energy) show up without any way to discuss them.
There are contexts where DADT makes sense and even works: arrangements where one partner simply does not want emotional intimacy around a subject that is nonetheless fine in practice, or where the level of detail being shared has been clearly agreed upon. The problems arise when DADT functions as a substitute for a harder conversation that both people are avoiding.
DADT is sometimes used approvingly to describe an arrangement that works for a specific couple, and sometimes critically to describe an arrangement that prevents honest communication. Both uses are common in polyamorous communities, and the context usually makes the framing clear.
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definition contributed by Tessakin